Posted by: slow study | August 25, 2010


Okay, so apparently I can’t handle my guacamole. 
Who am I kidding?  There are a lot of foods I am unable to eat in moderation.  But let’s add guacamole to the list.
It all began with Jimmy John’s. 
Amy and I started getting their vegetarian subs, and they have guacamole on them.  I’ve had guacamole before and liked it, but for whatever reason, I’ve never bought it for the house. 
Anyway, hitting Jimmy John’s with great frequency was getting kind of costly, so I thought – why not buy the sandwich fixings and make the sandwiches at home?   We hit Walmart, the natural choice for fresh, quality ingredients (read: the closest store).  The girls helped me gather up the stuff…guacamole, sprouts (blech), cucumbers, tomatoes, provolone cheese, lettuce. 
Amy:  You’re just going to put this on REGULAR bread?
Janet:  Uh…yeah.
Amy, rolling her eyes:  fine.  (obviously NOT fine).
Janet:  Go and pick out the kind of bread you want, then.
Amy went to the bakery section and returned with a humungous loaf that could feed 5,000 and still have bags of leftovers gathered afterwards.
Janet:  How about a loaf of bread that is thinner?  Like for subs.
Anne:  I’LL GET IT.
Amy:  Anne, no.
Off they went, bickering and shoving each other as they walked.
The jackals returned with identical loaves of somewhat thinner bread, fighting over which loaf to use.
Anne:  Use MINE.
Amy:  I already chose the bread first.
Janet: Oh for crying out loud.
Anne threw her loaf into the cart and carried Amy’s chosen loaf back to the bread rack.
Back at home, I got ready to make the subs for dinner.
Amy:  I want spinach quiche tonight.  We’ll have the subs tomorrow.
Janet (the ever-flexible house servant): Okay.
But I couldn’t help trying the guacamole.  I mean, Anne had left some tortilla chips on the kitchen counter that were just begging to be dipped…
And dip I did.  Again. And again.  And again.
And then I thought, hmmm.  Chips have a lot of fat.  I should switch to pretzels.
So I got out the Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists (this is where I hold up the bag for blatant product placement) and more guacamole.
Now THAT is a perfect match.
I think I ate 34067893 dipped pretzels.  The whole fat content thing became irrelevant almost instantly, as guacamole has tons of fat, too.
Tonight for dinner I got out the ingredients to make a “Jimmy John’s” vegetarian sub for Amy.
Amy:  The bread is too big.
Janet:  Sigh.  That’s the bread YOU picked.
I took my hand and pressed on the sandwich to flatten it.
Amy, taking a microscopic nibble:  I don’t like the guacamole. 
Amy:  I’m not going to eat it.
The girls ate warmed- up pizza.
I scraped the sprouts off the spurned sandwich and ate it.  Tasted good to me.
It should.  It had 5 pieces of cheese on it.  And guacamole.
And of course I went back to hitting the guac and pretzels afterwards.  My body showed no signs of rejection; I didn’t feel full.  I didn’t feel sick.  I was like the Energizer Bunny of guac eaters.  Bring it on.
Guac intervention was needed.  Quickly.  I needed to be cut off completely.  I had found yet another food that I couldn’t handle in moderation.
It was painful ($1.38 worth – oh the humanity!!), but I had to rinse the rest of the guacamole down the drain. 
Goodbye, guac.  We will meet again someday, but only on the outside.  You can no longer enter my home.

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